Recently I’ve been aware of a person who is trying to cope with the changes Covid has brought about by moving some activities online. She is asking for advice and information from those who have a presence online. Today I have been thinking about how online parallels real life and how it differs.
I have a free membership in some websites that let people learn about others and perhaps make online and real life connections. Some of these would be called swinger sites but others have a different goal. Fetlife seems to be a place for “kinksters” to find others and share information.
The only site I have really made some connections on is based in England. There are some real differences between the sites but browsing through this English site brings home to me some of the similarities people share. Just like there are problems with many social media sites there are some ways to make good connections. There are no guarantees and you must be careful. Your life online is kind of like working with people in real life.
One thing I’ve discovered about myself is I am a bit of a voyeur. I like to watch what people are up to. I’m not an extreme type of voyeur that goes looking in the neighbors’ windows. I am a firm believer in consent so I do my peeking where exhibitionists like to show off. I am assuming for this post that exhibitionists are not showing off for the shock value some real life people seek. This lady trying to get some desire fulfilled online has me thinking about the dynamics of online exhibition and peeking.
I haven’t interacted with her enough to know just what desire she is trying to fulfill but for this post I’m going to assume it is exhibitionism. The site in England is one of the few I’m aware of that has functional chat rooms. My experiences online started with Yahoo Groups chat rooms. There are now apps and sites that are all about interacting in ways similar to those chat rooms. One of the additions is video which make them even more suited for exhibitionist and voyeurs.
What I’ve been thinking about is the power dynamic in some of these interactions. There are cam sites that let voyeurs ask for certain exhibits. What the cam performer, whether male or female, does is whatever is asked without thinking of what they want to show off, then the people watching have the power. When the performers just do whatever they want and hope for tips, then the performers are trying to have the power. When the tippers and the performers are working together to fulfill desires of both groups then it becomes more like a team.
In some ways this is parallel to the larger society. There are many situations where there are two extremes vying for power. What ever the situation, all the extremes care about is the power. When some group takes a view of working together on the situation you find solutions rather than power.
Those old Yahoo Groups introduced me to the idea of non-monogamy. In the nearly two decades since then, I’ve learned there are many forms of monogamy through to non-monogamy. There are forms of non-monogamy where someone is in a real position of power. There are forms of monogamy where one of the people is in a position of power. There are forms of both where there is teamwork to fulfill the desires of those involved. In my experience, the forms where everyone is fulfilled are the best. Some talk of consensual non-monogamy but I have seen where this will still have an unhealthy power dynamic. I prefer the idea of ethical non-monogamy and right next to it is ethical monogamy. These are the forms where teamwork exists. It took some reading about kinksters to help me understand a dynamic where it seems one person has the power but it is only because the other person gives that power to the dom. This works best when they work as a team. Each member of the team has a different role to play.
If you are looking to try to fulfill some desire through some form of online presence realize some of the dangers of real life are also there in the virtual world. A brick and mortar store has to deal with shop lifters while an online store has to deal with people who find ways to keep from paying for goods delivered. If you want to be an exhibitionist online there are no guarantees you will find a way for it to be a team with the voyeurs. Through that site in England I’ve seen a wide variety from those who sit naked while chatting with people to those who put on a show similar to a cam site. To each their own. If you are hoping for the teamwork type of situation online, you will have to build it just like in real life and with similar problems to overcome.