I know I’ve mentioned labels in the past and some problems with giving them too much importance, but recent events in my life make talking about labels as the main topic timely. There are currently some challenges to being able to live life in happiness based on the way some people are using labels.
According to Merriam-Webster one of the meanings of label is: a word or phrase that describes or identifies something or someone. I think part of the problem comes from people using labels meant to describe some characteristic as identifying the person. When I said there are current challenges I didn’t mean in just the last few years have these uses of labels been causing trouble but I think we are taking them to an extreme in current society. An example that for many is current but has been happening for a few centuries is labeling a person as black. Where I live this is meant the same as the person being of African decent and has to do with the color of their skin.
So this could be a label of just skin color but has come to be a label to identify far more about the person than the amount of melanin in their skin. To some it identifies whether to trust that person or see them of any value. Another term is nigger.
One of the early meanings of nigger was a person who works hard, does heavy physical labor. Though this could easily describe the situation black slaves found themselves in it came to have a much different meaning as it started identifying people.
A label I’ve been struggling with recently is sex-positive. I’ve come across some sources online promoting incest and inbreeding as sex-positive. I would definitely be against the kind of incest where a family member exerts some form of authority over another member to push them to have some form of sexual contact. This would go beyond just if one of the parties has not reached the age of consent. A parent could exert authoritative influence over adult children as well as minor children. To me to be sex-positive means consent must be present for all sexual activity. I will admit I’m not into BDSM enough to have read or seen any of Fifty Shades of Grey. I have seen a number of titles that say either the original author or film makers have made other films that take the original even further into those ideas. One reason I haven’t read or seen it is a review I read of the movie. It said when the safe word would be used the dom would try to negotiate new conditions. To follow the idea of consent, the activity should cease and once the parties have calmed down then new conditions could be attempted but not while emotions and desires of running really high. Maybe someone who knows from personal experience with the movie or book could tell me differently, but I am almost fanatical about consent.
I’m not fanatical about much of anything but I couldn’t think of a better descriptor of how I feel about consent. I once convinced my wife of participating in activities I’m not sure she would have when in a calmer state of mind. Even though this happened before I developed my current understanding of consent, I still feel guilty for manipulating her that way. So I don’t think “fanatical about consent” is a label I would wear, the phrase hopefully helps you understand how strongly I feel when I say consent.
Just what sex-positive means to me has been something I think of from time to time ever since I started writing this blog. In part recently as I’ve been reading another blog called Liberum Sexus I’ve been wondering how to apply the ideas of sex-positive to family life.
If there is only an adult couple involved and they choose to be other than a heterosexual monogamous relationship, no problem. I think if they choose to be a heterosexual monogamous relationship I would encourage them to add ethical to the monogamy. This would involve working on good communication and consent being involved in all, especially sexual choices. If a couple is homosexual ethically monogamous with children involved they would have to face different age appropriate discussions as to why that family has two mothers or two fathers while most of the other kids have one of each. If a polyamorous family has a number of adults living together may face an even more complex discussion. I see these as not being as difficult as some would think if the children are young enough from the beginning of the relationship.
Professor Polyamory from the blog has written a series of posts that could be considered a novel about a sex positive family. How to help the kids understand what the parents are doing and how to face the decisions they will need to deal with as they grow is the big question for me. I have to say I think the posts are a bit of a fairy tale. If parents where I live in Utah were to do some of the things known publicly about the fictitious family in the posts, they would be arrested. I only know about what was reported in the news media about a situation here just a few years ago, but a woman was arrested, fined, and is now a sex offender because her step kids saw her topless and she didn’t get embarrassed and cover up. Her body positive attitude lead to criminal charges. This isn’t even being sex-positive.
I have been watching a YouTube channel called Jordan and McKay by a young couple who recently left the Mormon Church. They have accounts on other social media platforms but YouTube is the one I have an account on. They recently posted a video about Mormon beliefs in regards to LGBTQ+. Jordan mentions she doesn’t like labels. I agree. Maybe because I grew up Mormon I see the harm misuse of labels causes. When the label defines the whole person rather than just describe some part of what they are it can be very damaging. For most of those left in Mormonism that label of Mormon does define who they are, so they are trying to get away from it. But most of them don’t see harm in defining the value of others based on some label. Within my adult life the Mormons would even base whether a person could receive all they had to offer on the color of their skin.
One other recent occurrence was on a social media platform I came across where a man decided he liked to dress in woman’s clothes, especially lingerie. He was Mormon and decided he needed to confess this to his Bishop (local minister). A short time later this man’s wife came home to find him in bed with the Bishop and one of his Counselors. The resulting divorce and excommunication was done without mentioning the Bishop or the Counselor. The social media platform the man told his story on included many people saying he should have outed the other two men. They called him evil for not outing them.
I corresponded with him and said I felt his problem was not including his wife in his decision process. That she came home to the surprise was the only thing he did wrong. He wasn’t ethical in his relationship with his wife.
Now I have a question to anyone reading this. Is there a better word than ethical for the distinctions I’ve been trying to make using that word? I use it as a descriptor type of label but I’m not sure that word fits. What I am looking for is a word to describe relationships where those involved can be honest and open within the relationship. When something requires consent it is sought without coercion. When consent is given there is no feeling of being pressured to give it. If consent is not possible in this way then a change in the situation is sought, not a change in point of view.
I had to change things on my site here a while back. I think there is still a link at the bottom of pages to my Twitter account. If the new host won’t let you comment here, please use Twitter. Please let me hear your ideas, especially about the term ethical. I would also like to hear views about labels, ideas about sex-positive homes, and being sex-positive in general.